Mister:Chapter One
Tell me what you guys think !
Jayelle rolled over across her king size bed only to find the other side empty. She sat up in bed and observed the clock. It’s four in the morning where the hell is he? She thought. Deshawn wasn’t anywhere to be found. Another lonely night but she wanted things to change. Jayelle and Deshawn had only been living together for about three months. It was Deshawn’s idea to live together in the first place. This wasn’t the first night he hadn’t come home. In fact he hadn’t really stayed a whole night with her since she graduated.
Jayelle looked down at her engagement ring. Jayelle let out a deep breathe. She tried to remain cool but she was getting tired of his cheating ways. She rolled her eyes and took it off.
Jayelle couldn’t sleep and decided to check her email. She received the usual notification from Twitter, Facebook, but her eyes stopped on an invitation to a chat room. Sexyflirt.com
Deshawn has all the fun why can’t I? She thought, going to the website. She set up her account and instantly she received private messages. She scrolled through her messages only to see pictures of guy’s members. I’m not ready for all of that. Jayelle laughed. All the guys wanted to talk about sex and she wasn’t interested. One private message did catch her eye. MrBusiness couldn’t be so bad since he greeted her and didn’t send her naked pictures.
MrBusiness: How are you miss?
Jayelle frowned when she saw his picture. The picture only displayed his body from the neck down. What could this guy be hiding? Maybe he’s ugly. His body is amazing though She thought.
PinklipstickLover: I’m great just can’t sleep
MrBusiness: ASL
Jayelle stared at her Mac laptop screen. ASL didn’t ring a bell and she didn’t want to seem like an old lady that didn’t know the chat room lingo.
PinklipstickLover: ???
MrBusiness: Age, sex, location.
PinklipstickLover: Oh sorry, 21, f, Maryland
MrBusiness: 38, m, UK I’m not too old am I miss?
PinklipstickLover: No…
MrBusiness: Good, you’re beautiful miss, your boyfriend is a lucky man
PinklipstickLover: He’s out doing god knows what
MrBusiness: What’s your name miss?
PinklipstickLover: Jayelle.. you?
MrBusiness: Steven, I’m sorry for your boyfriend’s behavior. I’ll keep you company.
Jayelle smiled. Could it be possible that everyone in chat rooms weren’t weirdos and pervs.
PinklipstickLover: Thanks.
Finally she had someone to listen to her problems. Sexy guy, from the UK but he’s white. Jayelle wasn’t too fond of white guys especially for a love interest. The sun peeked through her curtain windows and she still was talking to Steven. From movies to music surprisingly they had a lot in common. She didn’t know it was possible to hold a mere conversation with a guy twice her age.
“Baby….” Deshawn said coming into the room. Jayelle closed her Mac laptop she didn’t want him to see kept her up all night.
Deshawn wrapped his strong chocolate arms around her and kissed on her neck. Deshawn had always been her type. Deshawn was her age as well. Tall, dark and handsome what more could she want. But his cheating ways weren’t worth the heartache.
Jayelle inhaled his scent. He smelled like another woman. She knew that he had been cheating on her. She didn’t care anymore she just waited for the right time to leave him. She just didn’t know when exactly she would move out. Four long years invested in him and the engagement ring meant nothing.
“I missed you last night,” he said kissing her.
Jayelle moved away from him. “I’m not in the mood,” she said walking into the bathroom. She turned the shower on.
Deshawn followed her into the bathroom. “Why not?,” Deshawn said grabbing her waist. Jayelle was trapped in the arm’s of her cheating boyfriend. She stood in a place she didn’t want to be.
“Where were you last night?” she said staring into his dark brown eyes. She loved staring into his eyes but for the first time she didn’t feel anything.
“I went out with Cj and I was too drunk to drive baby,” he said.
Jayelle shook her head. “Really, that sounds like lies, since you smell like another woman,” she said shutting the bathroom door. She didn’t want to argue either. She didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. When she finished her shower she realized he was gone.
***
Jayelle found herself wanting to talk to Steven again. Deshawn didn’t pay her attention anymore. Could it be possible that she’s catching feeling for a stranger. A sexy, stranger but nevertheless, a stranger. Jayelle sent him a private message in the chat room.
I hope he is awake because I miss him. She thought.
PinklipstickLover: Are you awake?
She waited fifteen minutes for a response but she didn’t receive anything. Maybe he wasn’t interested anymore. It had to be hundreds of girls wanting to occupy his time. Why would he care about a young American girl anyways. She thought.
Jayelle licked her lips. Images of doing things she didn’t even do with her boyfriend flashed in her heads. How could it be possible that she wanted him sexually and that topic never came up. The conversation lasted hours but still he didn’t show any interest in her sexually.
Jayelle started to close her MAC laptop, when suddenly she realized she had an instant message.
MrBusiness: I’m naked and I want you and you only
Jayelle’s jaw dropped when she read that message. Did he send it to the wrong person? Maybe it was a mistake.
MrBusiness: Jayelle I know you’re there and yes I want you NOW.
Anilsa replied:
I liked it, but left me wanting more.
When is next Nervous book caming out.
January 21, 2012 at 8:54 pm. Permalink.
aninopeace replied:
Hello! I saw your posting on a Writer’s thread for “Fans of Interracial Romance..”
Personally, I believe that your story has promise. If this is the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd draft then you should go back and carefully edit this story and utilize another word for a man’s personal bits instead of “penis.” It just sounds so generic. Another thing, I would rewrite the passage where the female character has found out that her boyfriend had cheated on her. Something just doesn’t sit well, with the way that it was written. I’m sort of an editing freak, so please trust me on this (even if this reply isn’t edited properly, lol)…
Hope you have a fun time writing this and much success with publishing, marketing, and selling your novel…
January 23, 2012 at 4:19 am. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
thanks @anilsa I’m still working on it… I’ve had a little writers block with it..lol
January 23, 2012 at 4:25 am. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
@aninopeace i really needed to hear that..thank you and yes its the 1st draft..
January 23, 2012 at 4:26 am. Permalink.
Vonna replied:
I like the direction this story is going. My concern is how easily Jayelle accepts DeShawn’s cheating. In this day and age, is there a reason she can’t leave him now? Does she need his financial support? Maybe because they both sign the lease she has to wait until it expires. Other than that I would buy it.
January 24, 2012 at 10:43 pm. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
Thank you..and I’m making it so Jayelle needs him for financial support right now. I mean being with someone for 4 years is a long time. I don’t accept cheating but alot people don’t leave because they been with someone for so long.
January 24, 2012 at 11:51 pm. Permalink.
Edan Soledad replied:
Sounds promising. You need an editor.
January 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
I really do!!!!!!!!! I can’t find one at an affordable rate…
January 26, 2012 at 7:51 pm. Permalink.
Kiru Taye replied:
Hi Janelly,
I agree, your story has promise. But there are bits that need reworking to make it flow better. I certainly think the reason for her staying with a cheating boyfriend needs to be emphasised. Also you might want to consider re-writing the start. It kind of felt off kilter. I can’t empathise with Jayelle at the moment but I’m sure when you add a few more layers to her character she’ll be easier to connect with.
On the whole I certainly want to read more. So get writing.
Best Wishes,
Kiru
January 26, 2012 at 7:02 pm. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
yes ma’am lol i want to develop it more.
January 26, 2012 at 7:52 pm. Permalink.
Karen Scott replied:
Hi there
For me There were lots of telling and not enough showing. I find that I’m irritated at the heroine because of how casually she accepts her boyfriend cheating on her. This is such a bad message that as a romance reader, it puts me off wanting to continue with the story. I’m concerned with the age of the heroine in comparison the age of the hero. 21 is too young for this particular heroine I think. Also, I hate that the boyfriend has such a ghetto name, and coupled with him being a cheating skank, I feel that he’s fulfilling a really negative stereotype.
Just a couple more things, J’s internal dialogue is way too stilted, and her cyber conversation with Steve (sorry, but for me that’s a terribly generic name) just doesn’t inspire me to think he’s anything other than a pervert trying to get some ass. Had you made the heroine older, I might have felt differently.
In all honesty, I want an IR that doesn’t conform to every stereotype known to man, and the premise of this story wouldn’t inspire me to buy it if it was in the shops.
Having said all of the above, I guess it depends on who your overall target audience is. If it’s for the average romance reader, then there’s no way this will do, however if it’s for those readers who expect guys called Deshawn to be cheating skanks, then go for it.
February 5, 2012 at 8:31 am. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
thanks for your opinion.
February 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm. Permalink.
Karen Knows Best » Why Do Authors Ask For Feedback, Whilst Moderating Comments? replied:
[...] Well you know me, being the good Samaritan that I am, I went over and left this feedback on her blog. Hi [...]
February 5, 2012 at 9:04 am. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
oh yeah I don’t know how to make it so that I don’t have to approve comments. But I have posted all comments that anyone posted. I just asked for general opinions. I took in consideration of what every said, but I’m the writer of the story.
February 5, 2012 at 4:01 pm. Permalink.
Anon76 replied:
For me the writing is stilted. The premise of the story may be killer but the mechanics at this point pull me away from it.
The very first thing to work on is the lack of pronouns. They are tricky to deal with when discussing more than two people of one gender in the same scene, but that is another step in the ladder to captivating writing.
Every time you use character names over and over again I pause. I know her name. I know his name. When writing in third person POV you need to convey the feelings and experiences of that person without naming him/her constantly. Same goes for first person POV if you habitually use, “I did, I said, I thought.”
Right now this reads like a script for a movie or play. “This character does this, says this, and moves stage left.”
Dig deep. Find creative ways to convey the same thoughts, feelings and ideas of your characters without naming them.
This is my opinion only. And you know opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one and they all stink.
Reach inside
February 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm. Permalink.
missjanelly replied:
Its out of habit to name the characters. I value your opinion because you took the time out to comment on my blog. So its greatly valued
February 5, 2012 at 4:20 pm. Permalink.